You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
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before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Tell the colonel to bring it
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.