Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
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as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order