People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
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[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
The dark side of Canada
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
This is my bus stop.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.