The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
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You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*