HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Hank is one in a melon.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Them: I don’t like you.
Me: