[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”