When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
😜
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Children of the corn 🌽
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)