Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”