*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
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(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.