Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
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Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.