Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
You Might Also Like
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!