termite twitter scares me
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Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I want this so bad
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind