They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*