Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen