Celery is depressing green water wafers.
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I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My boss called in sick of me
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.