How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]