ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
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[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
getting groceries
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Grandmother clock.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.