When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
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As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.