Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
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“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.