It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
You Might Also Like
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?