All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
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I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*