I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.