*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
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Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
The three genders.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn