Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
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I鈥檓 not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I鈥檝e had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I鈥檓 COVID19 free, you do the math.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i鈥檒l take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don鈥檛 serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as pi帽atas do
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Just accidentally spilled my cat鈥檚 food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 馃槀
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we鈥檙e almost there!
ME: yep, let鈥檚 bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
What鈥檚 the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…