Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Just the best dancing sandwiches.