*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.