Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
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nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks