Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
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“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.