*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
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TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?