Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
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me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?