No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
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*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Yoga Matt
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.