FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
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Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Hit me in the face with a bird
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours