[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.