friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
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Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
ready to be harvested
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…