interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
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Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.