I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
when nothing goes right… go left
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?