H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
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when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?