Happy birthday to all the women
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Can鈥檛 afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
馃槀
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Don鈥檛 mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that鈥檚 because on other days it鈥檚 just called sleep.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son鈥檚 cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there鈥檚 only room for one fake doctor in this family
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.