I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.