waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
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I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*