Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
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Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”