I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
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I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…