Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
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Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
tourist season
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.