“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
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Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what