I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
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Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.