Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole