Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
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“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Mornin. * use accordingly
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.