Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
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Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.