BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
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Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.