“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
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GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.